Goodbye, Tedd

It's been a bummer of a week to have before the wedding. Amber's long-time friend and hair stylist committed suicide last weekend, and his memorial was today.

Some friends have set up a web site and forwarded out some of his more creative writings. Rather than dwell on losing him, I'd like to share one of his writings.

Everyone has received those stupid chain letters that ask meaningless questions about you. Here is Tedd's response to one.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8:30 am in a shitty hotel
in Reno

2. Diamonds or Pearls? Golly gee, I just can't decide. I'll bet you'd choose a pearl necklace though.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Spiceworld, and it fucking rocked.

4. What is your favorite TV show? Strangers with Candy

5. What did you have for breakfast? A Wellbutrin and 2 Budweisers

6. What is your middle name? Why, it's Michael! Thanks for asking!

7. What is your favorite cuisine? I don't eat cuisine. I eat food.

8. What foods do you dislike? Regurgitated foods.

9. What are your favorite potato chips? Fascinating question... let me get back to you on that.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Kasabian

11. What kind of car do you drive? I don't drive a car, but I'm often driven to drink.

12. Favorite sandwich? A fucking well made Reuben, and don't skimp on the sauerkraut, bitch.

13. What characteristics do you despise? Most human ones.

14. Favorite item of clothing? Vans sneakers.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? To bed.

16. What color is your bathroom? Blue

17. Favorite brand of clothing? Ben Davis and Ben Sherman

18. Where would you retire? I dunno

19. Favorite time of the day? .* yawn *

20. Favorite sport to watch? Cockfighting

21. What do you expect? This to end soon.

22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Me

23. Who do you expect to send it back first? Nobody because it's fucking boring.

24. What fabric detergent do you use? What the fuck are you on, dude?

25. Coke or Pepsi? A good crap.

26. Are you a morning person or night owl? Leave me alone.

27. What is your shoe size? Fuck you.
28. Do you have any pets?
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family and friends?
30. What did you want to be when you were little?
31. What are you supposed to be doing today?
32. Your birthday?
33. Who sent this to you?


WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP??


Jesus Tapdancing Christ...who the fuck wrote that shit, Mr. Rogers on meth? If you're going to irritate your friends with a fucking chain email that is basically the equivalent of a 3rd grade girl's slam book, you could at least ask some interesting questions. Who the fuck cares what you ate for breakfast? Let's hear some fucking dirt already. I'm taking this motherfucker by the horns, you simpering little Ann Landers, and I'm making the questions up as I go along and smoking some crazy ass chronic to boot, so if you find any or all of the following questions inappropriate or offensive, please delete this email and go fuck yourself. Enjoy!

1. Do you like chain emails? Only when I write them.

2. Are you completely sober right now as you read this? Abso fucking lutely not.

3. Which celebrity do you want to kill the most? Paris Hilton

4. How would you do it? Hmmm... I'd try something Hannibal Lecterish, like feeding her her own body parts. I'd make her eat her own pussy first.

5. When did you last masturbate? While I was filling out the previous questionnaire... it was that stimulating..

6. If you were stranded on a desert island with only one drug, what would it be? OxyCotin...why be modest?

7. Which musician do you want to fuck the most? I wouldn't mind giving that Robbie Williams guy a little four finger action. Not at all...

8. Where's the most embarrassing place you've ever puked? Outside Ross Dress for Less on Market street at 8:45 am on a Saturday while ODing on GHB. So glamorous!

9. Have you ever fooled around with someone of the opposite gender of your sexual preference? I'll get to you bi kids later...you lucky fucks. Hell yes! Put enough liquor in me and I'll fuck a goat, for Christ's sake.

10. Who do you want to be president? Margaret Cho

11. What drug did you have the worst experience with? All drugs that go by initials... E, K, GHB, LSD... they've all scared the living shit out of me.

12. What song pisses you off the most? "Believe" by Cher... it's like road rage times 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

13. What's the most orgasms you've ever had in a 24 hour period? I think it was 7 and then I sprained something,

14. If you could be any person (living or dead) for one day who would you be? Cameron Diaz. I'd strap on a huge dildo, fuck the shit out of Justin Timberlake and then jump off a cliff.

15. What is your favorite kind of Campbell's soup? Minestrone

16. What is your favorite swear? Fuckity fuck fuck six fags in a truck

17. Name 3 famous people you think are gay and not admitting it. Eminem (total bottom), Brigitte Nielson (duh), and the entire cast of Jackass. Yum.

18. How big is the biggest penis you've ever seen in person? Guesstimate, but don't exaggerate. I once saw this horrifically ugly Filipino twink with buck teeth and a fucking 10 inch flaccid dick at the Dore Alley Fair. I never went again.

19. If you could have any superhero power, what would it be? Don't be douchey and say flying or telepathy... be creative. I'd like the power to eliminate people at will... I swear I wouldn't abuse it!

20. What's the most embarrassing fashion trend you fell prey to? Well, the "Pepe le Pew" dyejob I'm currently sporting is pretty fucking tragic, but my 10th grade "foot long braided tail, Chess King wardrobe accessorized with 7 Swatches and a million friendship bracelets" look nearly got me killed.

21. What song do you love but are too ashamed to admit to anyone? Cold Hearted Snake by Paula Abdul. I should just end it all now.

22. What's the weirdest/grossest food you've ever tried? Alligator when I was in New Orleans. It tasted just like chicken, what a surprise.

23. What would you change your name to? First and last, please. Spiewack McDermott

24. What is your favorite insult to shriek at shitty drivers during a road rage moment? HEY DICKSMOKER! IF I HAD AN ASS BIG ENOUGH I'D SWALLOW YOU WITH IT AND SHIT YOU OUT ON YOUR MOTHER'S LAP! It's lengthy but extremely satisfying.

23. And last but not least... burial or cremation - which is right for you? Please support your answer. I'd like to be ground up into fertilizer and spread over a crop of kick ass California Chronic, which would then be harvested by hot stoner guys, named after me (everyone's so into naming weed nowadays...WTF?), and smoked by all my loved ones. Couldn't you just weep?

In lieu of the "copy not forward and send it to 30 people right away and your wish will come true" load of crap, why not add a question of your own and send it to whoever the fuck you want? It's a free country.